i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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