She is in my trunk
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
