I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
