this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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