The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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