Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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