good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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