Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
