What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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