just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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