my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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