Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
my poor anus
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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