I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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