shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
