I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
