apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
