Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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