plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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