They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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