Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
