I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
