my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
