Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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