I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
that is very illegal...i love you.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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