I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
