My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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