when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize