Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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