I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
