Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
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