he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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