I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize