Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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