I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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