Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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