just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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