I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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