Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
