theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So much rum. So many feels.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
