I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
