did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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