i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Come share oat with me in your robe
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