Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
