I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
My feet surprised me
Randomize
