Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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