I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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