you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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