I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
