i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Randomize
