I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
