he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
