My nipple is on Facebook.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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