i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
MIDGETS
????
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
