I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
