I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
foreskin is a definite game changer
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
