I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize