I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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