after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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