When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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